How to be a bad teacher.

Are you a brand-new teacher who already hates your job? Well, don't let that bring you down. If you're loaded with piles of grading or bratty students who interrupt your free time with e-mails, friendly visits, or complaints about your unprofessionality or grading, or even if you're plagued with THAT CLASS- you know, the one that constantly asks questions about the subject matter and turns things in early, there's only one thing you can do to make your job easier. Be a BAD TEACHER! Studies* show that BAD TEACHERS have the most stable jobs and last the longest in the public school system, not to mention having the EASIEST JOBS- what can be easier and more enjoyable than watching a snot-nosed child squirm and squeal under your awesome stare? Here's how to be a BAD TEACHER:

1. Get a degree from the least reputable college you get into. Bonus points if it's not in the subject matter you're teaching. Extra bonus points for switching career paths after failing out of a more respectable program or profession.
2. Make sure you know NOTHING about your subject matter. If a student asks a question that isn't covered in the curriculum, vaguely answer "I dunno... I'll check it out". Copy class notes from Wikipedia or Sparknotes and your answer keys from Yahoo Answers.
3. Bad teachers don't teach. To make sure your students are somewhat up to par for the standardized tests, lecture them daily in a flat, monotone voice. If you insist on using notes instead of making the class copy you word-for-word, use the publisher notes included with the course textbooks. Insert typos into Powerpoint slides and read them word for word off the screen. Do not elaborate. Extra points for teaching with your face to the board. (Der Drache.)
4. Grading is easy. The students who bake you cookies and give you Christmas cards get A's. Everyone else can pick out of a hat. (Der Notenlotto for everyone in my German class.) If a student disagrees with you on any level, give them an automatic F.
5. Always choose the dumb, slutty girls as your favorites. Hold them up to the other students as examples. Remind them that if their life goal was also to be the trophy wife of an 80-year-old, they would also be successful in your class. 
6. NEVER SPELL NAMES RIGHT. No matter how many times you might be corrected by an outraged student, don't change your spelling or pronounciation. You're right and you know it. Extra points for "recorrecting" their names on class rosters and assignments.
7. Never spell anything right. Insert typos and blatant grammar errors into all assignments and paperwork. Extra points for "accidently" writing something dirty- I think of the history teacher with the habit of writing "hoe" instead of "how". (He was a good teacher, though.)
8. Don't dress professionally. And despite what fashion bloggers around the world might say, sneakers do go with collared shirts and ties.
9. Give insanely hard and pointless tests. If you're an English teacher, quiz students on minor characters and vocab that was never taught in class. No matter what you teach, you can make up a multiple-choice test with answers that can all be justified and essay prompts that really have no plausible answer. (I just took one of these. I got a 67.)
10. Finally, if a student has the nerve to complain directly to you, use the age-old answer: "Life isn't fair." It's true, for them. For you, earning a decent salary on a career of leisure, procrastination, and doing whatever the hell you want, life has never been fairer.
11. Bonus points for having plagiarized your way through college to get your Education degree.

*my own observations through 10 years of public school